“Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work it’s way into your consciousness.”

― Caroline Myss

This has to be the most honest me. I am scared. After being at a job that I loved for 17 years, I have decided to resign. Perhaps, I can even say terrified.

At first I started by saying, “I am retiring.” But the truth is I am not retiring. If I were, I’d wait for the golden, 20, 25 or 30 years of service to retire. What I am doing is quitting.

I have not been one to easily quit, not ever. I stayed and stayed— in everything, determined to be a champion and not quit. Not relationships, not jobs. Quitting to me was a sign of weakness and or having a lack of conviction and determination. It felt uncomfortable, until being harassed, bullied and never being told I was good enough became not just uncomfortable, but painful. Until I spent hours in doctors offices because the stress was making me physically ill. I am a great worker, conscientious, caring, efficient, and loyal to the population I serve and the people I work for. I have worked leading from the heart in advocating for the disenfranchised and for those who have no voice. As a school social worker, this has been my greatest joy. But, you see, public education is no longer that kind of place. It has, in many ways, lost the vision and heart of what is most important — our children. So as I stand in my own truth and what is right for me. I am walking away.

This has been a long and painful process of fear, doubt, and what if’s.

So many of us, feel the a tug at our souls when something feels wrong. Whether it’s at work or in a relationship, we feel the signs physically. We feel anxious, stressed, sick, worried, sad. A feeling that leaves us feeling like our souls are being chipped away by whatever it is that we know is absolutely wrong. If you ever leave work or a person feeling as if you just dropped your integrity and someone stomped on it — that’s your soul being chipped away.

Caroline Myss once said on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, “the biggest betrayal, is the betrayal to the soul.” How true this is! We all do it at some point in our lives. It’s those moments when we make small concessions that make us feel just a little sick at the pit of our stomach. When we do something that feels wrong for us, but we do anyway so as not to disappoint. When we accept someone belittling us because we are afraid of rejection or backfire. When we accept less than we deserve for fear of having nothing. When we stay silent for fear of being punished.

Thus….I have quit. I have decided to trust in something bigger than me. I have decided to stay loyal to my soul. Terrifying as it is, giving up a substantial salary, a bigger pension, leaving the safety of a familiar role, leaving my colleagues, whom I adore. I am quitting, yet I am not. I am being braver than I have ever asked myself to be. Sometimes, it takes more courage to leave than to stay. I’ve done it before. Each time no less terrifying. I am choosing to be true to my integrity, ethics, and to all that I believe in. I am choosing to say out loud, “this is my life — the only one I am privy to and I am going to cherish it with all my heart.”

This decision did not happen overnight. I spent much time reflecting and planning, on what it would mean to give up my job after 17 years. I had to re-imagine a life so different and with so much less. I had to shed my fear of the unknown and imagine what this new life would look like. I worked hard on letting go of what I know and am familiar with and focused on the possibilities of a new beginning and even still I have no clue as to how it will all work out but, forward is the only way to go.

For years I have been researching and saving to build a tiny house on wheels. So, I began practicing minimalism. I stopped spending money on things I don’t need. I cleaned out my closets and gave away most of my clothing and shoes that were not practical. I now go food shopping every three days and buy only what I will eat so as not to waste.The biggest change, will be the likelihood of leaving New York. I have been a New Yorker my whole life. I never thought I’d leave, but I have made peace with it. In making peace with it, I have opened up my life to a bigger adventure and a change that brings a smile to my face when I think of new places and new people. So come this new season, I plan on selling all my belongings, allowing myself two containers of personal belongings. Many question, “what will you do, where will you go?” — I don’t really know all the answers. I am giving myself some time to rest and heal. For a while I had revamped my resume and started looking for jobs online, only to feel a sense of “I don’t want to do — it feels like more of the same!”

In being honest with myself during this time, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to go back to work full-time or for an institution. I want to sit with myself and really be authentic in the next chapter, and I can’t do that if I rush into another job out of fear. So, for now my plan is to downsize. Downsize my belongings, my home and maybe even my state. Downsizing will allow me to take some time to breathe. It will allow me to learn how to live with less and live smaller. It will allow me to be free.

You can do the same my dears!

I know it is not easy and sometimes not even reasonable to just say “I am done!” I know that sometimes circumstances keep us trapped and unable to set ourselves free, but you can take steps toward that freedom. I am no where near financially stable enough to “quit”. Am I crazy? Maybe. But somehow, the thought of being free from a life where I feel oppressed and trapped, fills me with hope and fearlessness.

I don’t have a queue of practical concrete steps for you to take if you need to “quit” whatever your situation is, but I can tell you this:

It’s going to take courage.

It’s going to take letting go of ideals.

It’s going to take loving yourself enough to want better.

It’s going to take not worrying about what others think of you.

It’s going to take you wanting peace and happiness more than you have ever wanted anything else.

It’s going to take sacrifice.

It’s going to take fierce trust in yourself.

It is going to take enormous faith and hope in something unseen and intangible.

Be brave — for all we have, in the one life we have been given, is our ability to create our own path. We need to recognize that our souls depend on us for it’s protection and to fight for it’s dignity, purpose and happiness. When we do— when we choose to be brave, there is an inner peace in knowing that we fought with all our hearts and chose to live within all our potential.

With Love, Light and JOY ~

Maria